she doesn’t love me

For some reason I expected our home coming to be different.  We’ve been watching this girl grow up in pictures for 23 months.  The entire 23 months that she’s been alive.  We didn’t miss one month of her life.  I’ve visited this sweet girl 6 times and her daddy has visited her 4 times.  We’ve been in her life as much as we could from one country to the next.

 

And yet she doesn’t love me.

 

I have loved her as my child since the day I got the call about her Thanksgiving of 2007.

 

And yet she doesn’t love me.

 

I have thought of her every day of her 23 months existence.

 

And yet she doesn’t love me.

 

I have spent many nights crying and begging God to bring her to me.

 

And yet she doesn’t love me.

 

Adoption is hard.  What happened last Friday is hard.  Story was taken out of her only “norm”.  The only life she has ever known was just ripped out from under her.  She had 4 nannies that loved her dearly.  She had Licia that loved her like a daughter.  She had Lori that took care of her when she was sick and also loved her.  She had 3 crazy boys that loved her like a sister and she had her brother, Amos, that was her constant in her life.

Then I show up one day and this is not a normal visit, because she is left with me and we leave the only home she has ever known.  She is sick when we travel and we end up spending the first four nights of her life with us in the hospital.  She is not comfortable.  She is not at home.  She knows no one.

 

She does not love us.  YET, we love her more and more each day.  We are in awe at God’s faithfulness to bring her to us.  We are showering her with love, even when she doesn’t want to receive it.  I am her mom and she is my daughter.  She may not know this or realize this, but soon she will.

 

I have known adoption was hard, but now I’m living it.  Each day as Story cries and grieves the loss of the life she knew I’m faced head on with the challenges of adoption.  It is hard.  We will have hard days ahead of us.  BUT we will also have the best days of our lives ahead of us.  Our daughter is here.  She is home.

 

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*Here we are getting on the plane in PAP to go home.  She was asleep, as she was all day long since she was so sick.  She missed the excitement of getting on her first plane!  Poor baby.  I had been dreaming of this picture for 2 years and she slept through the whole thing!  I’m betting money that when Amos gets his picture taken like this he’ll be smiling from ear to ear!

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15 responses to “she doesn’t love me

  1. jamie, you bring tears to my eyes [literally] as i know what you’re going through…not with any of our haitian children, but with brit – brit was 3 when she was adopted & still to this day, we struggle somewhat when it comes to ‘letting her guard down & trusting us’ – she’s much better, but struggles regularly – kiara & karleigh came home as babies & ruby was 2.5, but things were different with her – we were ‘in her face’ every 6 weeks & with her being deaf…she misses a lot – just know you can call me day/night as i know first hand what you’re going through & will listen when you need me to or talk when that’s needs – love you girl & you hang in there, she’ll see you for who/what you are…the coolest mom ever [just ask cayden & deacon!!]

  2. Jamie, Thank you as always for sharing from the heart for those of us who will someday be following in your footsteps.

  3. I’ll be praying for her sweet little heart to open up to y’all quickly.

  4. Jamie, you don’t me but I have been following your journey, and I’ve written on Aaron’s blog a few times… I am also adopting from Haiti, and worry every day about what you are going through right now… But even though I worry about it, I also pray for that homecoming day and everything that goes along with it. Your little girl will love you – she already does… She just doesn’t know quite how to show that yet. Peace to you and your family, and continued prayers and positive thoughts for Story – and for Amos – that he can join you soon.

  5. Jamie, I’ll be praying for you guys as you all make the transition. May God’s grace be sufficient for each of you.

  6. Tears. Prayers. So hard and joyous at the same time. Hugs

  7. Jamie,

    You don’t know me, but I am also a partner at the Stone. I have been following your blog for a couple weeks now and am so grateful for your honest words and for your heart for adoption. As a fellow adoptive mom (we adopted 2 toddlers from foster care last year) I appreciate your honesty on topics such as this. We will be praying for your family and Story – that she will find peace in her new home and bond completely with her mommy and daddy!

  8. I am with Stephanie, Thank you for being real through your journey so those of use who will soon be following your footsteps might know at least a small portion of what to expect. Your family is in my prayers.

  9. I had just been talking with my husband about this very concept… that it will most likely be our case. The fear of this, thought of this is painful… we think of our boy every minute of every day… dreaming of him. We have converted to being his parents, but yet… we are just another person to him. Oh how hard. I am so glad you shared this.

    I bought Aarons CD and have been listening to it non-stop. It is beautiful and helps keep me going each day. Thank you.

    Jill, adopting Samuel Chancelet
    http://wilkinsadoption.blogspot.com/

  10. Jamie,

    I really feel for you. We met our daughter last month and there was no warmth from her. Our social worker at the orphanage told us that the kids that don’t automatically run up to you are the ones in the long run who bond the tightest. I hope that knowing this will help you through the long days now. In the very near future she will be open.
    Kathy

  11. Hang in there. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. I brought home a 2 year old who would go to anyone for about 4 months. I thought she would never relax and trust me. One day driving down the road, she and I started singing some songs together and she gave me this look…I”ll never forget it…I think she really loved me in that moment. Some think love will wash over them, but I find it way more crafty than that. It is a slow drip that fills the bucket over time.

    She is absolutely a gorgeous child…you are blessed! What a gift to have her home. CAn you update us on her walking?

  12. When reading this, Jamie, I couldn’t help but see a parallel of how much God loves each of us, and so longs for us to love Him back. He is IN THIS with you, and I am praying for that little adorable sweetness to lavishly love you! And soon! I know she will look back, when she is older, and be amazed at all you did out of your love for her. What a blessing you are, Jamie, for sharing this journey with all of us. I pray God richly blesses you and your family.
    love,
    n.

  13. Oh Jamie. I know this hurts. I have the same feelings when we visit Keanan . . . and can’t imagine how it will feel at home. I do agree that this is probably an indication that she was already bonded, which is a good thing. “Indiscriminate Attachment” is a sign of a problem, so in a way she is showing you that she differentiates. But how heartbreaking. I know it will change with time. And Praise God you’ve got that!

  14. Oh MY Goodness! I am so excited to see Story in your arms! I haven’t checked the blog for a while and I thought to check it today…I am so happy that she is with you!

  15. What you wrote here really touched my heart. My husband and I are in the beginning of the adoption process through Haiti. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to share this with my mom, who I don’t think understands this process we are going through. Thanks for putting into words what we all will go through in some way.

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