leaving again.

This afternoon will be the hardest day of the trip for Aaron by far.  I have done this too many times and this afternoon and evening him and our two kids will be heavy on my mind and heart.  Today Aaron and the team are visiting/working at RHFH.  Hopefully they are learning lots about a fabulous organization and loving on babies and most importantly loving on the missionaries that do this day after day.

After the day is done, Aaron will get in the truck with his team and this time he won’t have Amos with him.  He’ll drive off once again without either one of our kids.  He will look at Story and tell her that it is almost time for her to come home.  He will kiss all over her and tell her that her Papa is fighting for her and loves her more than any little girl in this world.  He will hug Amos and tell him that he WILL COME BACK for him.  That he’ll be back to visit again soon and one day he’ll come and live with Papa and Momma and Cayden and Deacon.  Amos will cry and pout.  He will get very sad.  It will break Aaron’s heart in two.

There is nothing harder than this.  I never regret visiting my kids but I always hate the last day.  The day of good-byes.  The day of leaving part of your heart and soul in another place.  We view Amos and Story the same way we view Cayden and Deacon.  We love them the same.  They are as much a part of our lives and hearts as the kids that live here are.  THAT IS WHY IT IS SO HARD.  These are our kids.  They are our hearts and souls.  We are bonded to them, committed to them and sold out to them.

The other night I had a great big pitty party for myself.  I sat on my couch and cried and cried and cried.  I cried over not being in Haiti.  I cried over not being able to see Amos and Story.  I cried over this whole dang process.  I cried and cried.  I longed for my family to be together in one home and complete.  I cried over the fact of having no control.  I just felt super sorry for myself.

Right in the middle of this pitty-party-for-one Aaron called.  I tried to not let on to what was happening here, but he could heart it in my voice.  He knew.  He hated that his wife was hundreds of miles away alone and crying.  This whole adoption thing is hard.  This whole waiting thing is hard.  This whole being away from your kids is hard.

I wrote a big long blog about the sadness I was feeling and the aloneness and then I deleted it.  Never good to post a blog that you wrote while sobbing and having a great big pitty party.

The next day I sat down to read and found this is Psalm 31

I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.  You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place.  Be merciful to me, O Lord for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.  My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction and my bones grow weak. ……. BUT I trust in you, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.”

WOW is all I could say to that.  It was as if God himself picked me up from my boot straps and told me to get a grip!  He knows the anguish of my soul.  He knows my distress.

Thank you Jesus for being more to Amos and Story than we could ever be.  I beg daily that Amos and Story would somehow supernaturally know that there is a God that loves them passionately more than we ever could.

amos jammies

Amos wearing jammies that his big brother Cayden once wore!

IMG_2499

Story loving on her big brother Amos!

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14 responses to “leaving again.

  1. Hi Jamie,
    This is Katie Fox – my husband, Shaun Fox, works as a designer at the Stone – we met once at Potbelly, but you may not remember. 🙂 Anyway – I have been reading your blog for a little while and this post really broke my heart. I will be praying for you and your family in all this – and that Amos and Story can come home SOON! I am really interested in knowing more about the adoption process, your agency, etc. We are considering adoption. Maybe sometime we could meet for coffee or something.

    anyway – you will all be in my prayers.

  2. Soon your whole beautiful family will be together. Great post. We know how hard it is. You all continue to be in our prayers.

  3. My heart is aching in agreement with this post, Jamie. Thinking of you and I’ll be praying today.

  4. I’m serious, I have been so fervently praying for you this week! I just can’t imagine the swing of emotions you daily contend with – The words you wrote here are a blessing for each of us who have not gone through this process. It helps me to understand how very hard this calling is. I believe each of us reading are called to support you in prayer, and that sure has been my privilege during the last couple of years. I love you so!~

  5. The waits are so hard. Prayers for you and your family…apart and together.

  6. I’ve been thinking about your family all week. The girls and I prayed tonight for Aaron and Amos specifically. I read his twitter update from late this afternoon and it just broke me. This process is so hard. Just want you to always be reminded of the many people who love you and your family and who seriously and dilligently pray for you on this journey. I know you know that. Love you.

  7. im fasting and praying for you this morning.
    Kristy

  8. Soon you will all be together. I totally get it though- this is hard- the goodbyes are crushing- hugs too all.
    praying

  9. wow. what a great post. love the scripture and kristi and i are praying for you six.

  10. Gosh, I don’t know what to say or pray. Except that I’m glad we have Jesus living to interceed. And that, even though I cannot imagine what you are going through, I think your post resonates with me because there is a father who loves His children even more than Aaron and you love Story and Amos, and if this is how destroyed you are over being separated from them I can’t help but tremble at the awesome agony of his heart for His lost children. And while I know that living in a metaphor doesn’t make life less real or tragic or painful, ill pray for faith to enable you to be comforted by the heavenly reality your lives point to.

  11. It’s such a beautiful picture of Christ leaving us behind while He goes to prepare a place for us. It is difficult for Him to know the struggles we face and it is difficult for us to understand why it must be this way. But our faith moves us forward, past the hardships and into His presence, knowing that soon we will be fully united.

    Jamie, thank you for letting us into your world.

  12. Oh Jamie. The waiting is so hard, and the visits and goodbyes are unbearable. Praying them home soon.

  13. I know how hard not being there and leaving after you’ve been there can be. Thank you for sharing this Psalm.

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