I keep hearing that we’re close to the end with Story. We are so close. We are so close.
But yet I feel so far away. I feel as though this will never end. I feel as though I can say we’re close to the end when we’re on the flight from FL to Austin. Then we’ll be close to the end. Close to home. Close to being a real family that is all together.
I recently had one of those big melt downs where you give God a piece of your mind. It was not pretty. It lead to lots of tears, sobbing, pleading, yelling and other stuff that “normal good Christians” just don’t do. I felt as though I had been holding it in for so long and being so strong and then wow it all came pouring out. It came pouring out after me spending a good time alone and silent. I prayed to God. Begged for my children to be released. Pleaded. Made those promises I used to make in high school. You know that ones that go like this. IF you bring my kids home THEN I will NEVER do _____ again. You can fill in the blank with whatever. Then I got pissed that he didn’t take me up on my offer. I mean I was offering up some good stuff to Him.
This morning we sang a song at church that brought up so many emotions in me.
It says …. You are all I need …. You are my portion … I believe that you are more than enough for me …. You walk with me through fire …. Nothing is impossible with you
Those are strong words. Big words.
Honestly all that is very hard for me to say sometimes. When it says “nothing is impossible with you” I would sing that and then add on my own tag line. My song went something like this … “nothing is impossible with you – so BRING MY KIDS HOME NOW”. That’s a nice way to talk to God isn’t it. It kept coming out. It was as if I couldn’t stop it from coming into my head.
You know although I am having some hard times these past two weeks, I am still believing. I am still trusting. I am having a hard time with it 23 hours out of the day, but I am constantly striving to control those emotions and give in and trust 100%. Some days I do great. Others, I yell at God and try to make shady deals with him. As if he needs my deals.