hard talk about adoption.

I think a lot about what our future holds for us and our family.  Not in big family plans, but in conversations that will happen at our house.  When situations come up I often find myself thinking about how in future years my kids will notice more and ask more and want to know more.

For example, today I got the kids all set up for “rest time” with the movie Annie.  I was so excited and decided to lay with them and watch a little bit of it.  Things I probably never noticed before were like light bulbs flashing before me as I watched a little bit with them.

Cayden asked why all those girls live together and where are their parents.  He couldn’t comprehend how they couldn’t have parents.  I told them that maybe they died, or maybe they didn’t wa _ _ – I couldn’t finish the sentence.  I was about to say maybe their parents didn’t want them.

I couldn’t say it.  Even though that could be the hard cold truth, I can’t bring myself to say it.  I will never tell any of my kids that their parents didn’t want them.  That would hurt to the core for a young child.  I will tell them they couldn’t take care of them, or they weren’t ready to be a mommy, or they wanted me to be their mommy.  Anything but the “not wanting you” thing.  I can’t do it.

We have always been told to use age appropriate information when talking to your kids about their birth parents, adoption, etc.  Age appropriate information is very easy when talking to a 3 year old.  It’s when they are 15 that the age appropriate talk freaks me out.  They will want to know it all.  All the facts.

I often wonder if our kids will ever regret us adopting them.  I know it’s a weird thought, but I would bet money I’m not the only mom that has children through adoption that thinks this.

I am big believer in the power of God’s plan.  I have no doubt that before time God knew that all my kids would be Ivey’s.  He is just God.  He knows.  He is all knowing.  He is sovereign and in control.  I pray that God will always give us parents the words to say to hard questions.  I pray and hope that we don’t back down from them, but answer them with confidence and love.  I pray that my children will fall madly in love with their heavenly Father and will never doubt his love for them even though they don’t know anything about their earthly biological father.

I am so madly in love with all four of my kids.  I pray for guidance when talking to them about the ugly things of this world.


8 responses to “hard talk about adoption.

  1. Our girls watched Annie last year, and even though I loved the movie as a child I felt the same thing when I watched it now with them! Yikes. So many emotions!

  2. I really appreciated this post… It makes you step back and really think about this stuff. And saying prayers to help with those words is something I haven’t done yet – going on the prayer list!

    Jill (adopting Samuel Chancelet)

  3. My heart just broke. I COMPLETELY understand what you’re saying. . . .I think what makes me a bit nervous are the words the children will speak to one another. We have 3 bio and are adopting 2 from Haiti. I know that children can’t always articulate what they mean to say and sometimes say things that can be misunderstood (we can all say stuff like that, can’t we!). I just pray and pray that the words from ALL of our lips can fall gently and be sweet and lovely and above all encouraging and honoring to others and God Himself who is the one bringing us all together. Colossians 4:6 is a great verse about using words, a good reminder to the purpose of speaking to one another. It will all be ok . . . . as long as we rely on Him for strength and wisdom.

  4. Oh, I think about this all the time. ALL THE TIME. Honestly it is really hard with Jafta, because his birth mom didn’t “make a plan” or choose adoption. He was forcibly removed from her care because she was neglecting him. Ugh. How do you explain that one? I wish I could say something like “she wanted a better life for you”. I do tell him that she loves him very much, and that is all he knows right now. But I have a whole pile of court docs that outline her history and I wonder what, if, and when to share it with him.

  5. Hey girl~ some thoughts from an adopted child’s perspective 🙂

    I have never looked back and wondered if I would have been “better off” with my birthparents. My birth parents were older (40s) and they had 2 kids already (16 & 18) but just didn’t feel like they could do a good job raising me. So they put me up for adoption. My parents had fertility issues and couldn’t conceive ~ after 7 years they finally got me 🙂 I always viewed it as this super cool thing.

    My mentality was always “My parents Chose me! They picked me & wanted me!” I don’t harbor any animosity toward my birth family. To be honest, I don’t often think about them, only for some random things… for example, I love to sing and I wonder if that was a talent that either of my parents had. I sometimes wonder about what siblings look like & if I have nieces/nephews. But for the most part, it’s just one of those things in my past that shapes who I am today.

    My parents always just told me, from day 1, that I was adopted. That they chose me; that they were so lucky to have me as their daughter. Their strategy worked for me 🙂 My parents were as honest as they could be about it, but they didn’t have a whole lot of information.

    Technically, my birthparents “didn’t want me.” They were old enough & financially stable enough to care for me. They just chose not to (for whatever reason)… and my parents told me (and I choose to believe) that it was b/c it was what was best for me).

    Hope this brings you some peace. Let me know if you ever want to chat about it over coffee 🙂 Brittany

  6. jamie, my heart definitely goes out to you on this one! my husband and are in the process of waiting for a foster-to-adopt placement so your honesty really helps put things in perspective for me. our kiddo(s) will be like kristen’s in that they won’t have a flowery past, so after seeing how hard it is for you in your situation, it really makes me wonder what we’ll say in the same situation. i guess this is just another scenario where we have to trust in God’s sovereignty and pray for Him to give us the right words, AND for our kids’ hearts to be able to hear them. easier said than done though 🙂

  7. oh my, have i thought of this so many times… daily here lately for some reason! I think for me, i just feel this momma need to protect cohen from things that will hurt him. it does something amazing in my heart reading your post, though, to know that i am not alone in that dread of the questions that will come, and that will be mine and eric’s responsibility to help him wrap his mind around the truth. your passion and honesty is refreshing for me, by the way! thanks for that post.

  8. So weird! We watched this movie a week or two after our soon-to-be adopted kiddos moved in with us and suddenly the movie took on a whole new meaning!

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