Some of my fears.

I have to admit that when I desired to send Cayden to private school I think deep down it reassured me that even if I screwed up as a parent in the elementary years that at least he would be in chapel, and at least he would be memorizing verses at school, and at least ____________.  I would fill in that blank with everything we as parents should be doing.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to do those things, I just kept thinking what if I don’t succeed.  What if I’m a big failure as a parent?  What if he doesn’t learn anything from me?  At least he’ll learn “spiritual” stuff at school.

You must know that by me writing this and admitting this to you I feel like a complete idiot and failure.  But I’ve always vowed to be honest on here, so I’m sticking to it.  🙂

These fears are very real to me.  I take my job as being a parent and mom very serious and so for a while these fears were overtaking me.  I was loosing sleep over them.  I was upset b/c to me I felt as though Aaron didn’t share the same fears and thoughts as me b/c he wouldn’t even think about private school.  I wondered how he didn’t fear these things I did.

One day Aaron had lunch with a pastor at our church that we really admire and look up to for these type of decisions.  He shared with Aaron his thoughts on schooling for children and our family being involved in the school.  Basically we realized that our whole family needs to be the light at this school.   Not just sending Cayden to school and asking him as a five year old to be a bright light in a dark school.  No, we send Cayden to school so he can shine his little five year old innocent light and his mommy and daddy can barge in and shine their bright 31 year old lights!!!!  We are viewing this as a family mission.

Another deep down feeling that I’m embarrassed to tell you about is the fact that I somehow believed that if I sent Cayden to private school it wouldn’t require as much of my time.  I wouldn’t have to be up there as much shining my light.  I could stay home and do my own things b/c I wouldn’t be needed as much.  I just knew that my involvement level wouldn’t have to be as high.  I’m ashamed to tell you that I was kinda excited about that.  Man I hate writing that!  😦

Now that we have decided to send Cayden to our local school it is now becoming my mission to be involved.  I want to be there as much as a mom with 3 little ones at home can be there.  I want Aaron to be there.  He wants to be there.  We want to be there.  I want to know people there.  I want to serve them as much as I can.  God has literally told me that he wants me there, so I feel I need to do it!  He is kinda in charge here so I just do as he says.  🙂

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4 responses to “Some of my fears.

  1. Thanks for all your honesty. Why as Moms do we have this “thing” where we beat ourselves up all the time and wonder if we will fail? I do the same thing. Its so hard to figure out what is best all the time- especially when it comes to education. The best advice that I can give (coming from someone who has the exact fears you do) is this:
    You can always change your mind. Nothing is set in stone. Be flexible. Be involved no matter where he is at. And the biggest thing I have learned is- the teacher makes the difference!
    I went to both private Christian school and public school for my education and I must say that my experience at public school was a better one. It was refreshing to meet diverse people with diverse beliefs and to learn from one another. That was almost more than I learned in my cookie cutter private school. 🙂
    Cayden is going to do GREAT!!!
    Hugs

  2. Just lost everything I wrote you.. so, in short you will L O V E the public school system, and, we have found after bringing home an older daughter who lived in China until close to five years of age the public school system could meet her needs so much better than a private school, how do I know this, we ended up having to move Jadyn’s older sister Jana and enroll her along with Jadyn in the public school to make sure Jadyn would thrive as she entered into her new family and environment. It was a scary road, but,looking back the very best one for our family. The day I walked into the public school, Jamie, a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and I could turn everywhere within the school and see diversity welcomed. So refreshing and Jadyn moves onto first grade this year, Jana transitioned fabulously, and, made lots of friends, and JOY begins kindergarten this year, too.

    Your gonna love the public school system and the many Christ filled people you will meet there daily!!! Keep us posted and let us know what you think!:)

  3. Thanks for shaing this, Jamie. I really hope that John and I remember this when we have children and they’re headed off to school. Sometimes we forget all the ways in which we’re called to live missionally. It’s a big calling!

  4. Thanks for sharing! I too have struggled with the thought of a 5 yr old having the responsibility of being “the light” in a public school. So important, but so scary! I love the idea that it is not just the kids who are shinning their light at the school, but the parents too! That makes it a little less scary, thanks!!

    anna

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