I have to admit that when I desired to send Cayden to private school I think deep down it reassured me that even if I screwed up as a parent in the elementary years that at least he would be in chapel, and at least he would be memorizing verses at school, and at least ____________. I would fill in that blank with everything we as parents should be doing.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to do those things, I just kept thinking what if I don’t succeed. What if I’m a big failure as a parent? What if he doesn’t learn anything from me? At least he’ll learn “spiritual” stuff at school.
You must know that by me writing this and admitting this to you I feel like a complete idiot and failure. But I’ve always vowed to be honest on here, so I’m sticking to it. 🙂
These fears are very real to me. I take my job as being a parent and mom very serious and so for a while these fears were overtaking me. I was loosing sleep over them. I was upset b/c to me I felt as though Aaron didn’t share the same fears and thoughts as me b/c he wouldn’t even think about private school. I wondered how he didn’t fear these things I did.
One day Aaron had lunch with a pastor at our church that we really admire and look up to for these type of decisions. He shared with Aaron his thoughts on schooling for children and our family being involved in the school. Basically we realized that our whole family needs to be the light at this school. Not just sending Cayden to school and asking him as a five year old to be a bright light in a dark school. No, we send Cayden to school so he can shine his little five year old innocent light and his mommy and daddy can barge in and shine their bright 31 year old lights!!!! We are viewing this as a family mission.
Another deep down feeling that I’m embarrassed to tell you about is the fact that I somehow believed that if I sent Cayden to private school it wouldn’t require as much of my time. I wouldn’t have to be up there as much shining my light. I could stay home and do my own things b/c I wouldn’t be needed as much. I just knew that my involvement level wouldn’t have to be as high. I’m ashamed to tell you that I was kinda excited about that. Man I hate writing that! 😦
Now that we have decided to send Cayden to our local school it is now becoming my mission to be involved. I want to be there as much as a mom with 3 little ones at home can be there. I want Aaron to be there. He wants to be there. We want to be there. I want to know people there. I want to serve them as much as I can. God has literally told me that he wants me there, so I feel I need to do it! He is kinda in charge here so I just do as he says. 🙂