remembering us together.

I feel like a broken record these days.  Constantly complaining and constantly sad and constantly moaning.  To those of you that don’t know me or see me ever I promise I’m not always down and depressed.  In fact most of my down and depressed time is in my alone time at home, and usually at night.  When the kids are asleep and the house is quiet my thoughts constantly wander to Haiti.  They constantly remember my last kiss and my last hug from Amos and Story.

Tonight those thoughts and memories were triggered when Jeremy showed me some of the footage that we took when we were in Haiti this past March.  As most of you know Aaron is working on a new cd.  I’m so excited for this cd and for you all to experience it.  From what I’ve heard it rocks.  There are a few songs on there that shake me to the core.  One song he wrote about us trying to get our kids home.  I can hardly listen to this song without crying.

While we were in Haiti Aaron took video footage and our friend Jeremy will be putting together a music video to this song.  He came over tonight to video the recording process and he brought the stuff Aaron recorded while we were in Haiti.  As I watched it the tears began.  There they were.  They were in my arms.  I was holding them both.  I was walking down the alley by the clinic with MY kids.  Amos was kissing me.  I was holding Story.  Amos was laughing and smiling so much.  We were together.  All four of us.  Together.  That day seems like forever ago, even though it was just two months ago.

Sometimes I wonder if we’ll ever be together here.  I mean will our lives ever truly intersect and become one.  Will we ever get to bring them home?  I am truly learning to trust God.  I will be the first to admit that I’m not good at it.  In fact many days I fail and choose to be miserable instead of choosing to trust and be hopeful.  Last month was hard.  In fact the last two months have been probably the hardest on me.  Taking Fedna home was heartbreaking.  Leaving my kids for the fifth time in Haiti was heartbreaking. Easter coming and going was heartbreaking.  Mother’s Day coming and going was heartbreaking.

Two weeks from today Amos turns four.  Yes, you read that right … four years old.  The first time I saw his face he was 2 years and 3 months old and at the end of this month he’ll be four.  I’ve been loving him for almost 2 years now.  That’s hard to believe.

In twelve days our Story turns 18 months old.  I have loved her since the day she was born.  That’s hard to believe.  I will never forget the first picture I saw of her, or how I prayed for her before I knew she would some day be my daughter.

We have heard that Story might be getting close to getting out of MOI, or could already be out.  Nothing has been confirmed and no word on Amos yet.  This summer will be hard on us all.  I never thought we’d be heading out to summer camps this year without them.

Tonight Deacon prayed for Amos and Story to come home just like each boy does each night, but tonight it was different.  He said “please” so many times I lost count and I knew that even my boys feel the need to get them here.

This road is hard, but I would walk this road a thousand times to get my Amos and Story home.

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13 responses to “remembering us together.

  1. Amos and Story will be so thankful for the words you have written and the heartache you felt for them one day when they are older… what a beautiful testimony of such a loving mom (and family)!!

  2. Chrystal Gafford

    Maybe you should go to bed earlier…… 😉

  3. Thank you for sharing your heart, and helping me feel like I’m not crazy. We are almost a year in the adoption process, and we don’t even know the child God has choosen for our family. I already have some of those same thoughts. I can’t imagine how long the wait will feel once we see our daughters sweet face. Part of my daily prayer life includes asking God to show me that His timing is perfect. I know this biblical truth, but need a daily (& sometimes moment by moment reminder). I pray for your family everyday. God is good & His timing is perfect.

  4. After doing 3 adoptions it always seems like you cannot walk ONE MORE STEP and all of a sudden you hear they are ready to come home.

    It is not an easy path. I actually had someone tell me that adoption was much easier than giving birth. I was so angry. They had never adopted. I wanted to slap them.

    Praying for you guys and that your kiddos are released soon.

  5. I love you Jamie. I love your heart and your passion and your being. You make this all come to life in a way I cannot even explain…I cannot wait to love on Amos & Story while I’m loving on Deacon & Cayden!!! CAN.NOT.WAIT. Praying for you guys!!!

  6. We pray for your family and for Amos and Story often. my prayer has been that the Lord would teach you His longing to be with His adopted children while they have yet to be united to him before salvation. May the gospel give you hope, God always gathers His adopted children and His faithfulness will prevail here.

    Thank you for sharing your heart through this. It changes lives.

  7. closer and closer.

    I cannot wait to see the video. It sounds awesome.

  8. Been ten years since we began our first adoption…..five children later and three adoptions later….we are learning rest in Him. We S T I L L do NOT do this well, but, it is clear we are sllloooowww learners:) All that to say, we are now beginning another leg of our family journey. The upstart of an orphan care/adoption support ministry within our home church. Not an easy road either:-( Two words we’ve learned over the course of the years…..”WAIT” and “HOPE”. Even in the wait…in whatever we are called to do there is “HOPE”

    Gonna be right on the other side of this screen waiting and hoping A & S home…you hear that? HOME!!!! PLEASE!!!! I love the way children pray….I’m gonna ask PLEASE A LOT MORE WHEN PRAYING!!!! BIG HUGS JAMIE AND ALL!

  9. Pleading for you and your family on a daily basis.
    Lord, please bring Amos and Story home now.

  10. nancymattingly

    You are closer than you’ve ever been!!! Oh, Jamie, how I wish I could do MORE than pray!!! However, pray is what God has called me to do for you. I cannot tell you how many times a day He puts you in my mind and heart!!! The prayers come easily for those I love. You are the best mom, and you will find the joys of mothering FOUR to be over the top. Hang on, for God indeed IS working, and you are so very close! In walking this journey with you, I have wondered and wondered if this is just a little taste of what God feels for those He loves and has adopted?!!! How His heart must long for each of us as well…..

    you guys sure are loved. a bunch.

  11. Hello there, I found your blog though a blog though a blog….you know the routine! :o) What a compelling, beautiful, heartbreaking but inspiring story you bring to so many through your words on your blog. I pray (all the way from Snohomish, Washington state) that you are able to bring your children home to you soon.
    If you don’t mind me asking, is there a particular hang-up in the adoption which is why your adoption is taking so long, or is it just the country of Haiti with all of the miscellaneous red tape and paperwork? We have many friends from church and school (I have a kindergartener girl and 5th grade twin boys) who have adopted (China, Taiwan, Vietaman, Columbia, etc.) and it seems as though once they got their referrals, they had their children in their arms within a couple of months. Is this typical for Haitian adoptions?
    I will continue to send prayers your way that you will have your son and daughter in your arms FOR GOOD by summer…wishful thinking?

    Erin

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