feeling like i have my life back.

Since taking Fedna back home I feel as though I have my life back.  I feel like I can breath again, relax again and get out of the house again.  Having Fedna in our home was hard work for me.  I was never alone.  I couldn’t just go to a coffee shop and sit, it wasn’t easy to volunteer at Reagan, I couldn’t just join a bible study on Sunday mornings, and I always felt as though I was going.

On one hand it is so nice that she’s gone.  I feel connected to people again.  I feel relaxed now.  I feel like it’s easier to talk to people at church now.  I feel as though I can jump back into serving and not even have to think about it.  I feel as though my  home is more together and open for people to come over.  I can go run if I want to.  I can sleep in if I want to.  I can go to Target by myself if I want to.

On the other hand, I miss this girl like crazy and would fly to Haiti today and bring her back here if someone told me I could.  I would fix her room, get all her clothes out that I packed up to save for Story, I would go buy headbands and earrings and another one of her favorite dolls if I could.  I miss her like crazy.  I worry about her constantly.  I’m always wondering if her parents are remembering to do all they need to do for her.  I’m worrying if she is learning to use her walker.  I’m worrying if her feet are okay.  I’m worrying if her bowels are okay.  I’m worrying if she’s dirty.  I know that last one is such a loser statement but I’m being honest here. I just think of her constantly.

Fedna changed so much about me.  I feel as though I have so much more empathy for parents that raise kids with disabilities or special needs.  They are champs.  They are always giving.  Fedna changed my outlook on adoption of kids with disabilities.  Before Fedna I probably wouldn’t have been open to a child with Spina Bifida that didn’t have use of her lower legs.  I wouldn’t have thought twice about it.  Now I would be so open.  My heart would leap.  I would trust God so much more.

Fedna showed me that love is universal.  There was always a huge language barrier between us, but she loved me so much and she knew that I loved her so much.  She loved Cayden and Deacon so much and they in turn loved her so much as well.  By the end she even loved Aaron!

It’s hard to articulate what this girl did to my heart.  She has engraved a place on there that will forever be there.  I’m still not okay with her being gone.  I can come to tears easily when talking about her.  I yearn for her smile and laughter in my house again.  I yearn for her scooting around after the boys.  I yearn for her hands touching my face like they did when she would sleep beside me.

BUT I know she’s where she’s supposed to be.  She’s with her mom and dad that love her dearly and that’s the best place she could be.  It may not be the “land of opportunity”, but it’s where God has placed her and for that I’m learning to trust him on this one.  God is a big God and believe it or not, he even works in little girls lives in Haiti.  I’m clinging to my BIG GOD on this one.

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9 responses to “feeling like i have my life back.

  1. What a beautiful post, Jamie. It’s amazing how one small life can touch so many hearts!

  2. You did some great things in that sweet girl’s life and I know it will be changed forever because of you. I think it’s pretty cool how when we think we are doing something for someone else, God works in us in ways we never expected in the processs! You’re right…our God is a Big God! Thanks for being so transparent through all of this. We’ve all seen what God can do if we will just take the steps and be obedient. I love you and you inspire me so much!

  3. Lovely post. It is great to see how much you love her- and to hear how she opened your heart. I love that. It makes me cry though- tears of joy truly. I know how your Mommy heart worries about her and longs to see her again.
    Hugs
    S

  4. this one made me tear up. and i dont know either of ya’ll! i just think it is so grand what you and aaron did. i hope they are meeting all her needs as well.

  5. Wow….what a tearjerker! She is so beautiful…and I will be praying for her and for your family, even though I’ve never met you. My heart beats for two of the very things you talk about in this post…..Haiti and children with disabilities, so every word you posted I can totally relate to. I’ll be returning to Haiti at the end of the month….it’s always amazing to see how God leads you to someone else whose heart has similar passions to your own! God Bless you!

  6. This is beautiful, Jamie. What joy and sorrow in your goodbye with Fedna. It’s obvious she really became a part of your family.

  7. Amen, Jamie….and, “it may not be the land of opportunity”…I’m thinking from what you have shared with us of your heart now for sweet Fedna, how your heart has changed towards the possibility of considering adopting a special needs child who face daily challenges, bravely, how Fedna changed many of your blog readers hearts….I, daily, loved seeing her sweet smile, love the photo you have with her…..hmmm, I’m thinking God sure used Haiti, for a huge land of opportunity, he is using Haiti to save many of us!! He is showing us through all of His children, how we can all love one another for His purpose, for His Honor and Glory.

    You’ve probably seen the tshirt…I need Africa as much as Africa needs me…well, I believe when it came to Fedna, you could…I could….we all could say…you needed Fedna as much as Fedna needed you. We all need Haiti as much as Haiti needs us!!!

    Haiti truly is a land of opportunity and I just pray that God will continue to nudge, shape and mold all of our hearts to resemble His.

    Waiting with you, Jamie:)

  8. Tears and laughter. All I can think about is holding that sweet little girl outside of the restaurant. While we were waiting for you, she would grab my face and kiss my cheek over and over again. It was so so sweet and then, she would bite me!! What a little brat!!

    🙂 It was perfect timing that you came into her life. We had a conversation while I was there last month. You talked about how amazing it was that for 3 years, this little girl had lived with spinobifida in Haiti and never had one surgery. It’s a miracle that she is alive. I believe with all of my heart that God has kept her safe for great things. She’s our little Esther!!

    Love you!

  9. Jamie-

    It makes me smile that God used her little life to touch you guys in such a way. Had God not given us our first 2, I do not think that I would have been open to special needs adoption. Now, I don’t think that we would adopt a typical developing child. Everyone wants a “perfect” child, and sn kids need loving parents and safe homes too… They are not any “less” and I am so excited that God has blessed you with that insight!!! Who knows how God will use you and Aaron now… For us, I have stopped guessing and I just follow… Thanks for the post…it was great!!!!

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