Since taking Fedna back home I feel as though I have my life back. I feel like I can breath again, relax again and get out of the house again. Having Fedna in our home was hard work for me. I was never alone. I couldn’t just go to a coffee shop and sit, it wasn’t easy to volunteer at Reagan, I couldn’t just join a bible study on Sunday mornings, and I always felt as though I was going.
On one hand it is so nice that she’s gone. I feel connected to people again. I feel relaxed now. I feel like it’s easier to talk to people at church now. I feel as though I can jump back into serving and not even have to think about it. I feel as though my home is more together and open for people to come over. I can go run if I want to. I can sleep in if I want to. I can go to Target by myself if I want to.
On the other hand, I miss this girl like crazy and would fly to Haiti today and bring her back here if someone told me I could. I would fix her room, get all her clothes out that I packed up to save for Story, I would go buy headbands and earrings and another one of her favorite dolls if I could. I miss her like crazy. I worry about her constantly. I’m always wondering if her parents are remembering to do all they need to do for her. I’m worrying if she is learning to use her walker. I’m worrying if her feet are okay. I’m worrying if her bowels are okay. I’m worrying if she’s dirty. I know that last one is such a loser statement but I’m being honest here. I just think of her constantly.
Fedna changed so much about me. I feel as though I have so much more empathy for parents that raise kids with disabilities or special needs. They are champs. They are always giving. Fedna changed my outlook on adoption of kids with disabilities. Before Fedna I probably wouldn’t have been open to a child with Spina Bifida that didn’t have use of her lower legs. I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. Now I would be so open. My heart would leap. I would trust God so much more.
Fedna showed me that love is universal. There was always a huge language barrier between us, but she loved me so much and she knew that I loved her so much. She loved Cayden and Deacon so much and they in turn loved her so much as well. By the end she even loved Aaron!
It’s hard to articulate what this girl did to my heart. She has engraved a place on there that will forever be there. I’m still not okay with her being gone. I can come to tears easily when talking about her. I yearn for her smile and laughter in my house again. I yearn for her scooting around after the boys. I yearn for her hands touching my face like they did when she would sleep beside me.
BUT I know she’s where she’s supposed to be. She’s with her mom and dad that love her dearly and that’s the best place she could be. It may not be the “land of opportunity”, but it’s where God has placed her and for that I’m learning to trust him on this one. God is a big God and believe it or not, he even works in little girls lives in Haiti. I’m clinging to my BIG GOD on this one.