my emotions.

Lately blogging has been a huge struggle for me.  I have too much in my head.  Sending Fedna home was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  It almost overshadowed my time with my kids.  My heart was so torn and so hurt throughout the whole “sending home” process.  It is unexplainable and unless you’ve been there done that it’s hard to understand.  One thing I do know is that Fedna will forever be a part of our family.  The other night Cayden was sleeping with us (isn’t there always in a kid in our bed at least 4 out of 7 nights a week!!!) and he was talking in his sleep and guess who he was talking about …. Fedna!  I smiled so big in the middle of the night.


-This is us on the airplane on our way to PAP

Besides sending Fedna home on this last trip to Haiti, we were able to spend some great time with our kids, Amos & Story.  I love seeing them.  I pray before each trip that God would unite our hearts and lives more than we could ever imagine.  That he would allow our 3 year old and 16 month old to know how much we love them and adore them.  We said a hundred times this past week that eventually Mamma and Papa would come back and take them home to see their brothers.  I have no idea if Amos gets it, but one thing I know he does get is how much we love them.

Amos and Aaron have for sure bonded.  That little guy loves his Papa.  I mean it is unreal the way that he adores Aaron.  I think our prayers are working and that God is doing a miracle in his life.  It helps that in the month of March he was able to see Aaron twice.  Story is so adorable and is for sure happy with her life there.  She was not too sure of us most of the time, but by the end she was content with us both.  Poor baby was not feeling good most of the time we were there and so that was not fun either!

Leaving was awful this time.  Awful.  It doesn’t get any easier to leave those kids behind.  It will never be easy.  The hard thing of the whole journey for us is that this visiting and leaving is starting to feel as though this is our “norm”.  Almost like this is our life now.  Two kids and a life at home and two kids in Haiti that we long for, pray for and yearn to get home and we get to visit them 4 times a year.  Why does this feel “normal”.  When will this end?  When will my normal be …. wife & mom to four kids that all live in the same house?

On the adoption front … no news on our file.  I guess no news is good news.  I did hear that the birth certificate issues were worked out, so that is good.  I’m still hearing that MOI is taking about 3 months.  We entered the end of January, so I guess I shouldn’t worry until May.  I have a friend that told me she was still praying for Easter for us to have our kids home.  I had to hold my tongue because I wanted to tell her she could stop praying that prayer for us.  I mean that’s 2.5 weeks away.  Very impossible.  God would have to move HUGE mountains for that to happen.  I’m now begging God for them to be home before Summer.  That would be wonderful!  Don’t think I’m loosing faith, I’m just being realistic with the way files are moving these days.

So the reason you haven’t heard from me lately is because my heart and emotions are all over the place.  It’s as if I want to run away and hide until I get the news that I can come get my kids.


– This is us on the last day right before we said our good-bye’s

*Thanks Tanya for the pics


13 responses to “my emotions.

  1. Been there, done that, and I totally understand!!! I will continue to pray for you and Fedna. It is so hard. I bet her parents were so blessed. I love the picture of you with your kids. They are adorable!

  2. I’m so sorry. I really can’t imagine what you’re going through. We’re praying for you guys and Wyatt has started praying for Cayden and Deacon to get their brother and sister home soon.

  3. Jamie, Your post brought tears to my eyes. I dread saying goodbye on my upcoming trip because there are no more funds for another trip after this one. Will my kids even remember me when I’m gone? Probably not. 😦 I guess they are closer in age/understanding to Story than to Amos. I love that Amos is so attached to Aaron. You can even see it in the family picture! He is pointed to his daddy and grinning so big. What a precious moment.

  4. Jaime,
    Your post really touched my heart. The pictures are great. You have a GORGEOUS family and beautiful kids (all 4 of them!). It must be incredibly hard…hang in there (I know so much easier said then done). I can’t imagine what your “norm” feels like. I can’t wait to see pics of your WHOLE family united under one roof! It WILL happen! God’s timing is perfect (but I totally understand it does NOT always feel like that). I wish it was easier for you right now and you were all home under one roof. Praying for you!

  5. I love you Jamie…. And with that am always praying for you guys on this journey. You’ve been through so much these past 6 months… things your heart deals with that many people never once experience. I’m praying for some good rest time for you leading into summer. Rest for yourself. I’m glad you are running again…. I’m hoping it will be a good time for you personally each run you get to take off on and that one day in the future when you look back on the past journey you will see God’s hand all over every single detail that you walked through….. Love gives….. no one ever said giving was easy… It’s the hardest thing to do is to give of yourself but I have loved seeing “love” all over you…. as you have given….

  6. I know that what you did for Fedna is a bit different than this… but hearing your heart for her, during the time that you had her, and especially now that you have said goodbye to her, has made me think and pray continually for the foster family that is taking care of our girl right now. Until her forever home, until her forever family, they are loving her like nobody’s business (spoiling her rotten, in fact)! 🙂 They are her home, they are her family. And even though I am the one she calls “mommy,” they fill that mommy-place in her life right now. I cannot imagine what their heartbreak will be like when they have to say goodbye to her.

    You did such a good job of filling that mommy-place in Fedna’s life while she was in the US. I am sure that she will not soon forget that, nor soon stop living a life which bears the marks of being well loved by you!

    Praying for you and for you day that will bring Amos and Story to you forever – for that great day when they will get on that airplane with you!

  7. I love you! And I love Amos & Story and Cayden & Deacon and Fedna!!! OH, and of course, Aaron 😉

  8. Love you, love your heart. I know what it is like to have emotions in many different places and have to wait to voice something, if anything. I have a lot on my plate along with the adoption that is stirring that for me. You are being prayed for. Summer is a great time of year, let’s dream it up!

  9. Hi Jamie – your posts about Fedna have brought up a lot of memories for me about our little “heart-son” from Africa who lived with us on a medical visa for 8 months. I will never forget him, every moment that we had together. He touched our lives in immeasurable ways. When people would say, oh, you are nice to do this, I would answer, no, he is blessing us so so much. The drive home after dropping him off to go back to his country, to his loving parents, was the longest drive of my life. We were all weeping and stunned with sorrow. But then the most amazing day-time sunset started happening. It was totally sent by God and it reminded me that I was doing his work and that I should rejoice. We will forever love our boy! I feel really privileged to have been in his life. You shine brighter because of Fedna and she because of you!

  10. nancymattingly

    you are one of the bravest women I know. Most would not ever take the chance to love and care for someone like Fedna. It’s beautiful. Like Scripture come to life. I thank God for you. constantly. And praying always. much love.

  11. I can’t imagine the mixed emotions you are feeling right now. I am sure you are grieving and rejoicing for Fedna at the same time. Her absence must be such a reminder that you should have a fuller house, soon!!

  12. We totally understand your emotions. Its so difficult to leave the kids you love so very much. When we had to leave Wislaine our hearts broke! I understand how your heart grieves right now. We will be praying for God’s strength for you and Aaron right now. I know its difficult! God bless!

  13. Hi Jamie,

    Just reading this makes my heart sad, so, I can’t even begin to know how you are feeling. In reading this, my mind wandered onto sweet Fedna. I wonder about how she understands all this…stepping outside our safe comfort zones can be an amazingly, loving, yet, painful journey all at the same time….not sure if that makes sense to anyone, unless, as you have, they have truly, and, I mean really and truly stepped outside of their comfort zone.

    I continue to just smile so big at the thought of your children all being together, and, one day in Heaven, you will see the bigger picture of God’s Hand in your journey with sweet girl, Fedna.

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