Lately blogging has been a huge struggle for me. I have too much in my head. Sending Fedna home was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It almost overshadowed my time with my kids. My heart was so torn and so hurt throughout the whole “sending home” process. It is unexplainable and unless you’ve been there done that it’s hard to understand. One thing I do know is that Fedna will forever be a part of our family. The other night Cayden was sleeping with us (isn’t there always in a kid in our bed at least 4 out of 7 nights a week!!!) and he was talking in his sleep and guess who he was talking about …. Fedna! I smiled so big in the middle of the night.
-This is us on the airplane on our way to PAP
Besides sending Fedna home on this last trip to Haiti, we were able to spend some great time with our kids, Amos & Story. I love seeing them. I pray before each trip that God would unite our hearts and lives more than we could ever imagine. That he would allow our 3 year old and 16 month old to know how much we love them and adore them. We said a hundred times this past week that eventually Mamma and Papa would come back and take them home to see their brothers. I have no idea if Amos gets it, but one thing I know he does get is how much we love them.
Amos and Aaron have for sure bonded. That little guy loves his Papa. I mean it is unreal the way that he adores Aaron. I think our prayers are working and that God is doing a miracle in his life. It helps that in the month of March he was able to see Aaron twice. Story is so adorable and is for sure happy with her life there. She was not too sure of us most of the time, but by the end she was content with us both. Poor baby was not feeling good most of the time we were there and so that was not fun either!
Leaving was awful this time. Awful. It doesn’t get any easier to leave those kids behind. It will never be easy. The hard thing of the whole journey for us is that this visiting and leaving is starting to feel as though this is our “norm”. Almost like this is our life now. Two kids and a life at home and two kids in Haiti that we long for, pray for and yearn to get home and we get to visit them 4 times a year. Why does this feel “normal”. When will this end? When will my normal be …. wife & mom to four kids that all live in the same house?
On the adoption front … no news on our file. I guess no news is good news. I did hear that the birth certificate issues were worked out, so that is good. I’m still hearing that MOI is taking about 3 months. We entered the end of January, so I guess I shouldn’t worry until May. I have a friend that told me she was still praying for Easter for us to have our kids home. I had to hold my tongue because I wanted to tell her she could stop praying that prayer for us. I mean that’s 2.5 weeks away. Very impossible. God would have to move HUGE mountains for that to happen. I’m now begging God for them to be home before Summer. That would be wonderful! Don’t think I’m loosing faith, I’m just being realistic with the way files are moving these days.
So the reason you haven’t heard from me lately is because my heart and emotions are all over the place. It’s as if I want to run away and hide until I get the news that I can come get my kids.
– This is us on the last day right before we said our good-bye’s
*Thanks Tanya for the pics