I want to trust.

I seem to not be able to sit through a worship set at church these days without crying.  Usually so much that I feel awkward.  I am constantly thinking of my kids in Haiti.  When the songs are about trusting God, obeying God, loving his will …. all these things work on me.

I discovered something today.  I don’t want to trust God.  I don’t want to put all that pressure on him to pull through.  I don’t want to allow my  heart to rest.  I don’t want to rest and feel peace about this adoption.  Here’s why …. if I trust God 100% and he doesn’t have it in his will for these kids to come home then I will be pissed.  I will be let down.  I will have given him all my trust and he let me down.

Before you think that I’m super un-christian right now … please know that I’m a super emotional momma who wants all four kids under one roof.  I also am here admitting to you that i am strugging with my trust in God in our adoption.  I’m struggling.  I want to trust.  I want to sleep good at night.  I want to KNOW that he will bring them home.  I want to never doubt his will for my life.  i want to believe.  BUT whenever I tell myself this a small voice always pops up in my head telling me this …. don’t trust God … what if he lets you down … he will break your heart.

I know this sounds ridiculous.  Even typing this is asking for criticism from you all.  I’m opening up my heart and praying that you won’t crucify me for my lack of faith, but walk with me and help me increase it.  I know some of you have been there where i am.  how did you get over this hump?  how did you persevere?

OH my.  I want to TRUST.   I keep thinking of the man in the bible telling God … HELP ME BELIEVE.  I want to believe.  I want to trust.  I just need help.

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD

HE HOLDS MY WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS

We sang that today.  I wept with wanting to trust.  i wept with wanting to hand my kids lives over to him.  I want to.  It is just hard.  It hurts to let go.  It hurts to feel out of control.  I like control.

God does hold MY WHOLE WORLD in his hands.  Right now my whole world is my family.  My kids in Haiti.  My kids here.  My husband.  God holds them.  I want to believe that without hesitation.

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30 responses to “I want to trust.

  1. No criticism from me because I can so relate to this! Unfortunately, I have no answers for you.

    Love the picture of your babies!

  2. Jamie,
    DO NOT APOLOGIZE for the feelings you are having….you are going through a very very tough time and God understands that. No one is going to judge you for feeling the way you do…if anything, you are going to let others know you are real and they can relate to you. You will touch someone with your openess and honesty…I am praying that God gives you that peace and lets you know in the deepest place of your momma heart that your babies will come home and you will have the desires of your heart fulfilled!!

    Love your non-judging sister,
    Kim
    http://www.journeytohannah.com

  3. P.S. My husband is in China right now on a missions trip working with special-needs orphans. He’s starting camp NOW!! You can follow his blog at:

    http://www.hannahsdaddy-petey.blogspot.com

    Kim (again) :0)

  4. Jamie,
    I just wanted to let you know that I have been right where you are. After our son died and we decided to adopt again, we were completely clueless as to how difficult it is to adopt from Haiti. Imagine our despair as we slowly learned the more realistic timelines. There were many many times when I just cried out to God, telling Him that this was TOO MUCH. Payton’s death and our Haitian kids languishing in an orphanage – life was not good and it seemed to us that God was looking the other way at times. I couldn’t handle it. My husband and I took every single emotion to Him and felt better for it. We kept on asking people to pray, pray, pray, sent my husband down to Haiti as often as possible and God moved. Not as quickly as we thought He should, but He moved nonetheless. Our kids are home, right where they belong, and at just the right time too. Yours will too, Jamie. Don’t let Satan defeat you – God is bigger than Haiti and the crazy adoption process. We’re living proof of that. Hang in there.
    Praying for you tonight,
    Mary Franks

  5. Its beautiful to see these thoughts. I am loving watching your journey unfold. I love you so much. I am learning that trusting is an hour by hour task. Walk and trust. Walk and trust.

  6. No criticism here. . I just posted my thoughts on the unfaithfulness of God in poverty. . .well, what I first thought was unfaithfulness. I have been struggling with a similar struggle.. what do we trust? How? You can read my SUPER long post about how I am working through this, but the bottom line is what has He promised? You CAN trust. . you can trust HIM, His plans, His love, His care. You are right that we cannot trust that His plans will go according to ours. . and that scares the crap out of us. But, you can trust HIM. They are 2 different things.. . .but a scary road. the cool thing is, it is an amazing road and you are growing closer to Him throughout out. . in ways that you wouldn’t have without Story and Amos. Precious ones.

    Love,
    Brandi

  7. ACKK!!! I was so there before…probably even sometime today:)

    Jamie, I believe all of what you are sharing is very “normal”. You have met you children. You can not physically be with them right now, but, you carry both A and S in your heart. I carried all three of my J’s who were waiting for us in China in my heart…..and, I never had met them until the day they were physically placed into my arms…..Love can move mountains….but, shoving them is really, really, really hard…for us, but, not for God. I believe you do trust Him, but, having to walk through this kind of fire is not easy….not for us, but, so comforting to know He is right there with you. I also find such comfort knowing if He is with you and me at this very moment, THIS VERY MOMENT!!!! THEN…He is also with A and S……He knows your heart…..I waited so long for my little Mei (who is now 8) and having gone through two miscarriages prior to us diving into adoption…..I just kept thinking I could NOT trust, I was not going to set myself up for disappointment…..here is what I forgot…..God loves us all so much that He will not disappoint….His will is perfect…..it’s just we want ours:)!!!!!!

    Know you are held in prayer with love,
    Diane

  8. In the midst of my darkest trust moments with God…. infertilty… We were blessed at an ending of one Engage with these words that later would cling to my heart and thought I would share it.

    “To all of those who have been catching at heels trying to take control of the front story of your lives–May the painful pleasure of the place called Peniel become your most valued treasure. May you know what it feels like be gripped by, tugged at and pulled on as the Creator of the Universe comes so close that He actually lays hands on you. And may this wrestling match be not some fleeting fancy of passing experience but may this struggle become the true source of who you know yourself be—no longer Jacob (heel catcher) but Israel (one who struggles with God and overcomes). So, when God takes you by surprise—Hold on with fists clinched tight refusing to let go until He blesses you. And if he touches your hip, know that your limp will be worth the look that you find in His face.

    In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit—Amen

    Go in peace”

  9. You are not alone, and do not apologize for your honest feelings. It was not too long ago that Jonas’s visa was denied twice. I got to the point that I was so tired of feeling the pain of not having any control over the situation, and not having him home, that I finally had to come to the point of asking God if Jonas was not going to come home to us, then please just take these feelings away. I did not want to hurt and love anymore… I knew in my heart that God wanted Jonas to be a part of our family, but His timing was definetely not mine! In hinesight, His time was PERFECT!!!!! Had Jonas come home in Oct/Nov, like he was supposed to, it would have been a disaster. Micah had a big ortho surgery, and was in a wheelchair for a month, and had to walk with a walker for 2 more months. I thought that I could handle it all: I would have been a mess!!!!!! God knew that I needed Ryan to get through these first couple months with Jonas home, and God brought him home 2 weeks before school was out, and my husband is a teacher. HE HAS BEEN A HUGE HELP OVER THE SUMMER!!!!!

    Another thing that I thanked God for every day, and I know that your kids are in the same kind of situation: I thanked God that Jonas was in a Christian environment, and getting the best care until I could have them home! That alone gave me peace…

    you will make it through; I promise!!!!!!! Some days will suck, and you will not feeling like getting out of bed and you check your computer all day for an update, or some kind of connection with them. Other days you will feel peace and know that God in is control. It is a refining process, and you will come out stronger in the end.

    I felt more “out of control” with this adoption, then I did when I was carrying Micah, knowing that he was going to be born with Spina Bifida. Don’t ask me why, I had none, but the fact that I could control what I ate, etc. made me feel in control. I never thought I had control issues with God until we started the adoption process.

    i will be praying for you and you will perservere!!!!!! Phillipeans 4:6-7 has helped me get through so many hard times in life!

    Sorry for the book… 🙂 Know that you are being prayed for!

  10. There is a name for people who say they can fully trust in God, without blinking, in the really, really tough times. I like to refer to them as big, hairy non-truth tellers.

    I’ve told you before – I had two girls that actually didn’t come into our home. They are being parented by someone else. I still pray for them and wonder about them … and worry – hoping that they are okay, safe, secure, walking with Christ … the list goes on. In my heart, they were my children. A mother can’t switch that off like a light switch.

    I found myself saying, “God, you can see them – I can’t. You better darn well be taking care of those two!” He can handle it. I might as well say it, because I’m thinking it. He loves me. I think He even laughs at me, when he’s not holding my hand and crying with me.

    My two latest additions brought such near ulcers. I was hearing first-hand about the emotional abuse, yet had absolutely no right to just show up and take them. I had to wait – wait on the decision to be made by the very person that was tormenting them, but who was just shy of any criminal action.

    I had to just keep hearing things … and wait.

    And I cried. And I paced. And I yelled at God. And I begged God. And I worried. I was royally ticked at Him. Again, I was saying, “God, you can see them – I can’t. You better darn well be taking care of those two!”

    And some moments I thought, “Just give me an answer so I can choose to shut off my emotions and walk away!” (like that could happen). Other times I thought, “I wish I had never gotten involved in this!” (but, of course, I did – I’d do it again 100 times over). Many times my prayers were, “You say you’ll only give me what I can handle, but there has been some terrible mistake. You have WAY overestimated me!” (and God chuckled).

    Then, other days, we become those tough-as-nails, mother hens, and we bow up and say, “I’m here! I’m their mom! HEAR ME ROAR!”

    Other days we’re curled up in the fetal position in the back of the closet.

    You’ll uncurl again, before too long. But in the meantime, keep a soft blanket in there. 🙂

  11. I totally understand. I totally hear you. I totally know your thoughts.

    I have been falling to my face a lot these days. I have many questions about many things in our life right now. I have a lot of things that are eating me with fear. For weeks on end I allowed myself to dwell in them. I am talking some serious pit dwelling. I am choosing at the brink of each feeling to fall on my face and beg for belief and trust. I tend to be a control freak and life at this moment cannot be controlled.

    Praying for and with you.

    Love you.

  12. Oh I just love you. I will pray for you to trust God…WOW what a post…WOW!

  13. we sang that song today at church too. powerful song to say the least! i love that line “he hold my world in his hands” so much. and the best part is that He holds everyones entire worlds in His hand. He is that big of a God! your family & haiti kids are in my thoughts often. praying for you!

  14. Just hearing your honest thoughts doesn’t make me judge you; it just makes me love you more. I love how you are so completely honest about your feelings. We all have those feelings at times. There are just very few willing to admit it. Although I haven’t been where you are when it comes to adoption, I did share many of your feelings after having two miscarriages before Radlee came along. After becoming pregnant with Radlee, I feared even talking to God about it. I was so scared to trust or even let God be in control. I was afraid that if I let God be in control that he would decide to take this baby away too…….as if God wasn’t already in control!!! Now, I am actually thankful I did have those miscarriages……I know that probably sounds strange, but I wouldn’t have my sweet little boy if it hadn’t happened!!!! Jamie, God knows your heart and has nothing but the best plans for your family. He has great plans to prosper your family and not to harm them! Before long you will be able to see how his perfect plan has all fallen into place!!!! We are praying for you!

  15. My husband and I just completed our adoption from Haiti. Our daughter came home April 25th, 2008!! I have been where you are, in such despair, wondering why this beautiful child is living in an orphanage with strangers instead of coming home to her family. We hosted our daughter in our home for 4 months on a medical visa then had to send her back to Haiti. Talk about serious fetal position time!! Everyone was always very kind and saying that it is not in our time but in His time. That was all fine and dandy, but I wanted my baby. My husband was always more rationale than I was and I guess more trusting in God to bring this adoption to completion. Those mommy feelings just take over all rational thought. Our daughter went back to Haiti Mar 07, dossier to Haiti Jun 07, IBESR from Jul 07 to Nov 07 ( the absolute worst, we thought until……Nancy at the visa office) Just keep the faith and love those babies and trust that Licia and Lori are caring for them as if they were there own. ( they are just fantastic women, we follow their blogs daily) The day your babies come home, you will feel all this stress and doubt leave you and have nothing but joy…..and a few busy times!!! Good luck. Feel free to email if you want to chat or vent. God Bless

    Angie

  16. I would never think of criticizing those feelings. I have felt those exact same feelings. And you know what? Sometimes, He does let me down. Sure, I understand, but it doesn’t mean that I (in my humanness) am not disappointed or hurt or pissed or completely devastated. Thanks for your honesty. I bet there are more of us who have felt this than those who haven’t…

  17. My husband and I had an eerily similar conversation just today. A conversation with lot of tears, a conversation about trusting God and not wanting to be let down. Pissed is not a word that I use often, but it is exactly the word I used today to describe how I would feel if our adoption did not turn out well. Thanks for sharing your very real emotions.

  18. I know what you mean and where you are. I have no answer because after 34+ months (we are getting painfully close to month 35) of waiting, I have not gotten over the hump. Our son will be 11 in Sept. and he was 7, just turning 8, when we started. It makes no sense to me whatsoever. Sorry I can’t be of better help to you but please know that I “get it”.
    Amy

  19. trusting with you…trusting for you! thanks for sharing your heart. we are so glad you guys are here!

  20. Jamie-
    I am 98% sure that each and every one of us can admit to holding back and not fully giving control to God for the very reason that you’ve shared …

    the other 2% are lying liars full of lies.

    He brought you to it – He will bring you through it – You will be stronger and more compassionate than ever having experienced it all.

    Praying for you in Haiti-
    T.

  21. Hi Jamie,
    I read your post often, I’ve never commented before though. We’ve met a few times, I am friends with Christy Smith. Thank you so much for sharing TRUTH in your blog. I know how you feel in some ways though I’ve never gone through the adoption process. I will be praying for you and your journey. I believe the Lord loves us and draws us near to Him when we openly express our feelings and aren’t afraid to open up and allow others to be blessed through our struggles. If more of us could be transparent as you are we could all really be connected as the body of Christ should be.
    Hugs,
    Melissa

  22. Struggling right along with you, dear sister!

  23. Jamie, You will receive no criticism from me dear sister. I live where you are at. We now know we will not be able to bring our boys home from Liberia. Michael turns 16 in 19 days and Moses turns 16 shortly after that. I am broken…but trying to trust that God had a reason in all this even if I don’t understand.
    Praying for you!
    Sonya

  24. Praying for you and those sweet babies. Thank you for being so real. We all feel like this, I have been there for a while now. We just need to be there for each other and pray, pray, pray. Love ya, hope the house hunting went well.

  25. Yup, was there some months ago. I think I may of told you this before… but my friend pulled me out of my slump one day when she said, “Emma don’t forgot Pharoah didn’t want to let God’s people go, but God interviened and Pharaoh let them go. And, even when he changed his mind God still kept the children free and let them go.”
    I realized I was placing my faith in a corrupt Haitian Government to let my people go. I would think my fate lies in these corrupt peoples hands! I’ll never get my kids. We have 4 bio kids and I won’t be 35 until next year. We have 2 HUGE strikes against us.
    I’ve decided to believe my kids are coming home. I must. If they don’t I’ll cross that bridge when it get’s here, but I can’t allow my untrust affect my 4 children I have at home, because then satan has won all these months that we will be waiting. And I have an I don’t think so… satan attitude when it comes to him getting ANY glory in my household.
    Rise up, Rise up YOUR CHILDREN ARE COMING HOME.
    Don’t trust the corrupt government. They HAVE NO AUTHORITY in whether your kids come home.
    18 He administers justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the stranger, giving him food and clothing. Deut 10:18
    let that be your power scripture…. Claim God’s heart back to him.
    It’s His will for your children to have JUSTICE to take up there case. He has not forgotten them and He has not forgotten you.
    Rise up, Rise up
    we’ve all be there… Be of good cheer. Your kids will come home. We have to believe this to make through today.
    Everyday I tell myself they are coming home… period. I thank God they are coming home. Thank you our kids WILL come home Lord.

  26. Oh, Jamie… I’m struggling with the same issue, TRUST! Not with our adoption but another very personal crisis. How do I trust Him again when last time I was hurt so very deeply?? I’ve realized that I am really angry with God, with the person who hurt me, with life! If you find any scriptures that help will you pass them on, please!

  27. Recent reader…. just wanted to comment…

    Right there with you… learning to trust and give control to HIM… wow… something that I have yet to feel comfortable doing… still trying… still wanting so much to trust him…

    I’m there where you are sort of… ( still in the pre-adoption-haven’t started paperwork- wanting desperately to do so-but hubby says you have lost your mind- phase. lol).

    praying for you.

  28. Abide, sweet girl. Sometimes we just need to abide and feel His arms around us. It is trusting in whatever happens and having a peace that passes all understanding. Pray for it, and fall into Him. I love you and yearn for them to be with you. Praying for you, Shawnah

  29. thanks to you all for your VERY awesome and sweet comments.

    You know I think i am a complete roller coaster these days. Sometimes i can say i 100% believe God’s will is best and I want it. other times i question it. i know that this life is a journey and i’ll probably never be 100% in anything in my Christian walk.

    Adoption is HARD. VERY HARD. BUT let me say this …. i would do this a million times over again for any kid that needed a family. a million times over. not even a second thought about it.

  30. Yes, adoption is SO HARD! I think it has challenged my faith in ways I never knew possible. But I agree with other posts, that your feelings are refreshingly real and honest and common to most of us who struggle to follow after God and trust His will.

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