I’m a sappy mess

Today has been a teary-eyed day for me.  It seems as though I have had all four of my kids on my mind ALL day today.  I have no idea what has brought on this day of complete sadness, but I have been rather down today.

If I think too hard about Story and Amos not being here I can get very sad.  You see, I already consider myself the mom to both of these kids.  I am in no way their mom yet.  Legally I have no binds to them and they don’t have any to me.  BUT in our hearts we are family.  They boys are siblings to them and love them with all the love that 4 and 2 year old boys have for someone they have never met but know that they are brother and sister in Haiti, which happens to be far, far, far away.

I was trying to explain my feelings that I was having today to Aaron and I haven’t found the right words to explain it.  It is almost as though I feel guilty for loving on Deacon and Cayden so much while Amos and Story are still in Haiti at the rescue center.  It feels as though I’m not being faithful to them.  I feel as though if I start to have too much fun here that I’m doing something wrong because they aren’t here with us.

We tell everyone that we hope to have them home by Christmas.  In my heart I want that and try to believe it with all that is in me, but my head is telling me different.  My head is telling me to hold on and prepare for a long wait.  My head is telling me to be realistic and don’t get your hopes up.  I have seen people wait 2 years to bring their kids home, and I have seen people wait 10 months.  You just NEVER know what will happen.  I beg God to make it sooner than 2 years.

I was looking through all my pictures tonight and ran across lots of videos off of my camera of the kids.  I cried through each one.  Why do we so easily forget things about our kids as they grow up?  My kids are only 4 and 2 and I was reminded tonight of how dang cute they were when they were younger.  I had forgotten about Cayden’s little 2 year old voice, or how Deacon’s hair was crazy out of control when he was about 8 months old, or how Deacon would clap his hands as Cayden sang his ABC’s.  I also forgot the gibberish that Cayden used to talk to himself and everyone else.  I am loving Deacon’s age now (2) and looking back at these pictures of Cayden it reminded me of how much I enjoyed his 2nd year too.  So much changes between the 2nd and 3rd birthday.

Of course watching these videos and browsing pictures brought me right back to where I always end up and that is Haiti.  I have two kids sitting in Haiti that I’m missing out on their life with each day that passes on.  We found out about Amos in August of 2007 and he was 27 months old.  We missed the first 27 months of his life.  I’ll NEVER have those.  I’ll NEVER see him walk for the first time, or say his first word.  I’ll NEVER see him eat a banana for the first time, or clap his hands for the first time.  That is hard for me to deal with.  Something that’s even harder for me to deal with is that I’m missing out on Story’s life each day too.  She will change so much when I see her again in May.  The first year of a child’s life it seems as though they change week to week.  I am so sad about missing out on her first’s as well.

I can tell that this year is going to be hard on me.  My dossier has only been in Haiti for 18 days and I’m an emotional wreck today.  How will I do it?  Will my heart survive this wait?

Cayden & Deacon – the summer of 2006

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Amos & Story – Jan 2008

Gosh I miss these kids …

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9 responses to “I’m a sappy mess

  1. Hey Jamie – I’ve been thinking about you all day as I wore my saving shirt. I will for sure say a few extra prayers for you and your family tonight and in the coming days. Oh, and I wanted to thank you for connecting me to the Livesay family. I met Britt and we’ve become such good friends already! Praying…
    -Leigh Anne

  2. We adopted our daughter when she was ten. We missed a lot of firsts. But we have been around for very unique firsts. Her first hand dryer in a restroom. Her first cotton candy. Her first realization that Jesus was more than a man, but a miracle worker.

    Focus on the future.

    I’m praying for your heart.

  3. Jamie…

    please know that you are being thought of and prayed for…

  4. God made mommies to be sappy- you go right ahead. We are beautifully and wonderfully made- and the sap is just part of it. Yes you will make it through- but yes, unfortunately it is going to be hard.
    The sap will make the end result that much sweeter…..

  5. I know it’s going to be tough. I’m so excited that you have found them and going to love them forever. I’m sorry for your sadness, but at the same time, I’m thankful for you heart. You are a great mommy already to Amos and Story. All four of your kids need you in different ways right now. Cayden and Deacon need you playing, teaching, nurturing, and praying for them. God has provided Lori and Licia to play, teach, and nurture them right now, but they still need your prayers. And it sounds like you need our prayers right now too. I am praying for you to have peace and comfort during this time of waiting.
    Psalms 40: I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.

    Just remember you are not just waiting on Amos and Story, but on God. His timing is perfect. I truly believe that many are watching what God is doing through you and Aaron, and many will put their trust in Him because of your faith. Hang in there my sweet friend. Abide in His love for you and your children during this time. He is working everything out for His perfect plan for all of your lives. I love you! Shawnah

  6. Girls you are awesome. Thanks for your great words to me. I have a feeling I’ll need to hear them over and over again throughout the next year and a half!!! I hope I don’t start to sound like a broken record.

    Leigh Anne – SO HAPPY you met Britt – I wish I could meet her as well. I’ll be meeting the rest of her family in May!

    Tamara & Debra – Thanks for praying!

    Nancy – Thanks for opening up my eyes to the “bright side of things”. I can’t wait for all of the first’s that we DO GET to expereince with our kids! Those things will be so much fun! The first time on an elevator, airplane, fast food, etc ….

    Tanya – I know you know what I’m going through. You’ve been here many times before me and I am thankful for your sweet words of encouragement.

    Shawnah – thanks for the great reminder of God’s timing in my life. I have seen him work time and time again, and I know he will now too. I must trust even though it is hard!

    A sweet lady at work brought me a bag full of hershey kisses and hugs today. she said that she read this post last night and wanted me to have some hugs and kisses from story and amos. how sweet was that!!

  7. So sad, and yet my only encouragement is that your longing is an indication of your love for those children. You will have very different firsts! Your first video of Amos, your first trip to Haiti, the first time you cared for him when he had malaria, the first car ride with Story (and no car seat!)…you see. Think on these things.So much to look forward too!

    And yes, it is crazy how we forget! I too was looking through old videos that were on my camera and amazed at how much I have already forgotten and Mercy is only 2 and a half!

  8. Jamie,
    I am thinking about you and all four of your precious children tonight!

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