every thought is on you.

For those of you that have been down this adoption road or are on it now, you will understand my thoughts. EVERY thought goes back to our kids in Haiti. EVERY subject turns my mind to them. EVERY prayer is 98% about them. EVERY tear shed is for them. EVERY conversation includes them.

I feel as though I can’t escape them in my mind. My heart is so in love with them. My heart is becoming bonded with two children that I have never met, and one which I have no clue about. My arms long to hold them and my soul longs to love them.

I think I have mentioned before that I will be traveling to Haiti this January to meet Amos. I am scared to death, and I am so unbelievably happy. Both of these feelings are very strong and both of these feelings are very real to me. I have moments of complete happiness about meeting him, and I have moments of complete fear about meeting him. The moments of happiness are easy to explain. I mean meeting your son for the first time is a moment that I will never forget or take lightly. My feelings of fear come from my fear of how he’ll react to me. I know how I’ll react to him. I love him already as my own son. He on the other hand doesn’t. He doesn’t know me. I will be a strange blanc (white person) all up in his face for six days straight! What if he doesn’t like me? What if he doesn’t respond well to me? What if he doesn’t want to spend the time with me? What if he cries for Licia and familar faces the whole time? What if … What if …. What if ….???

Have any of you other parents out there faced this? I would love suggestions, and encouragement on what to do and what I might expect on this visit. Thanks. I know God is in control and I know that it will all work out, but for some reason that is not making my fears of rejection from him any less. Even though God WILL work it out, that pain will still be real to me.

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7 responses to “every thought is on you.

  1. Hey Jamie…

    I have walked this road of unknown…five times over. I believe fear of our “unknown” children whether biological or adoptive, they all have their own set of concerns we think we need to worry over. But….we do not add one extra moment to worry.

    On my first trip to China…bringing home my daughter who was ten months old…and I’d never met her until the day they handed her to me…I remember I drew great strength from remembering us being told….be not afraid I AM WITH YOU…so, Jamie, if you know God stands with you….you need to get rid of the fear…..be not afraid.

    Your Son….will love you….because you will love him!!!!

    I will be praying you to Haiti and back home again!!!
    Diane….Mama to Joe, Jen, Jana Mei, Jadyn Hua….and JOY HUA

    P.S…..now that God has shown you the field of the Fatherless…your life will never let you forget what you know….and you will always, always, always be tied to Haiti!!! AND to orphans….always!

  2. Jamie I pray the Lord has a thin little heart string already attached to you and Amos. Only He can see it and only because of Him does it exist. All you are doing is pulling in your heart string. There is part of you out there and you are going to get it. How can that little boy not be comforted by something he is attched to. He will love you. No amount of time or worry will allow you to understand how he is going to percieve or recieve you, but he will LOVE you. He will show you in his own precious one of a kind way that you have a piece of his heart. This is the prayer I will pray. I love you and your family. -Laura

  3. jamie,
    i experienced this too with our 10 month old daughter from china. she wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t poop, wouldn’t smile but she did a whole lot of wailing and crying. it will be different for you since you are not completely taking him out of his setting. by the 3 or fourth day usually miracles happen. if he clings to Licia, while heart breaking, it is a good thing because it shows he has attached to someone. i can’t wait to hear about your trip and how God took care of everything!!!

    keri

  4. jamie. i need to chat with you. call me when you get a few minutes.

  5. Jamie- yes- this same thing has been happening to me the past year and a half. My prayers pretty much revolve around Stevenson- and getting him home and keeping him healthy and safe while he is still in Haiti. It has been a long road- and we probably still have at least a couple months to go. And then we recently learned that Stevenson had a stomach parasite- and had lost even more weight (he is almost 5 and weighs 25 pounds)… the only thing I can do is pray that God will keep him safe- I can’t lean on anything else!
    Jeff went to Haiti in April to meet our son- given Stevenson’s circumstances before he went to the O and his age of “getting it but not getting it” I just didn’t have the heart to go down there and spend a week telling him I was his mamma and that I loved him so much- and then sending him back to the O….. I still feel I have made the right decision. If he were older and could understand time better- maybe it would be ok- and if he were a baby and just thrived on the extra attention- I know it would be ok…. but I know his birth mother left him- and I just couldn’t do that to him.
    Leaving Stevenson in Haiti was the hardest thing Jeff has ever done- and he cried more that day than he has cried in his entire life.
    It won’t be easy leaving- but I have no doubt that Amos will love you- he seems to be a very fun easy going boy. And if all else fails- have a stash of suckers ready!!!
    This time waiting for your children to be able to come home from Haiti will not be easy …. but it will be life changing. Think, “pray, grow, stretch, patience, pray, heartache, pray, pray, pray” and learning that Faith is the absolute only thing that can get you through this time. Faith that God knows what is best for Amos and will protect him- Faith that God loves you and can use this time for His good!- Faith that all of your children will grow through this time and learn about different cultures and learn about patience.
    For two Christmas’s now- my kids have asked Santa for their brother to come home. At dinner time- they pray for his safety and for him to come home to us soon… at parent teacher conferences all of my kids teachers told me how they talk about Haiti and their brother!! How cool is that?
    You will be ok- you will be stronger- you will be wiser- you will be more compassionate- you will wear your heart on your sleeve…. and when you are having a tough day- eat some chocolate šŸ™‚ and just curl up in His arms and pray- ’cause He knows your pain….

  6. I don’t want this to sound strange, but ya’ll are so heavy on our hearts. I can feel in your words how much you love sweet Amos, I know he will see that love in your eyes. I can’t really comment on the waiting or the feelings tied up in adoption because we have never done it, and really don’t know much about adoption (although we are learning much through the many blogs), but I do know that God is in control. Even during difficult times when we may not understand everything He’s doing, He is still in control and it’s for our good! This time, this wait, this struggle of emotions is all for your good. And will all make you stronger. I will be at His feet for you sweet girl, and I can’t wait to hear how the visit goes.

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