Mom vs. Birth mom ….. my journey continues

As some of you know I do volunteer work for an adoption agency here in the Nashville area. We used them for most of our adoption in 2005 and I have been a supporter of them ever since. Each year they have a big dinner and auction to raise money for their office. Last year I was in charge of the auction and it kicked my tail. This year I am in charge of the program and have been so blessed this weekend to get to talk to different people that have been involved in adoption in some way or another.

On Friday I interviewed a couple that is the first couple from the Nashville office to complete an embryo adoption. I loved talking to them and learned so much about the process and their journey. If you or anyone you know is struggling with infertility this could be something you could look into.

The dad said a profound statement that I think I will carry with me for the rest of my life. He stated that he believed that God made him the way he did (with his fertility issues) for one reason. He then pointed to his four month old son that he was holding. He said without his fertility issues he would never have his son. WOW! God has a plan in our lives even when things don’t look “perfect”.

Today I had the great honor to interview a birth mother. I believe that every adoptive couple should have to sit down and talk to someone who has placed their child for adoption. It is always good for us to see things from a different perspective. She changed the way I think of birth parents. I thought I was a good advocate for birth parents. I thought I understood them. I thought I valued our birth mom. She showed me that I could do more. I heard her talk about her son and heard the love that she had for him and it broke me. She said that although he is not her son legally, that he will always be her biological son. She loves him so much and is so happy for him but she said the first month was horrible. She and her mom (who was there for the interview as well) both said that they cried a lot and grieved terribly for the son and grandson that they had given away.

I was moved to tears almost as I listened to them talk about him. She loves this little boy. She adores him. She values his life and she is so happy with her decision. She said it has been the hardest thing she has ever done, but she feels she made the right choice. She has an open adoption and has seen her son twice in the past seven months and is so happy to be able to watch him grown.

As some of you know that read my blog you remember the post I wrote about having a hard time calling my son’s birth mom “mom”. I think I am learning to see the whole picture now. Yes I am his mom, but so is she. She was his mom before I was. She took care of him before I even knew about him. She birthed him. She loved him before I could. I never want to take that from her. I never want to devalue her to him or to anyone else. So, yes she is his birth mom, but she is also the first mom he ever knew. Will I still say “birth mom”? Yes. Will I be offended when someone calls her “mom”? No.

I have never viewed birth parents as scary. But I have also never viewed them as parents. They forever will have a special place in their lives for the children that they placed with other people to raise. I will not rob them of that anymore.

This adoption journey is a fun one. There are many ups and downs along the path. We are being taught so much along this journey.

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13 responses to “Mom vs. Birth mom ….. my journey continues

  1. this post is great. I cannot imagine the emotions of interviewing all of these people. what a special opportunity.

  2. Good post and very informative about the hearts of birth moms … I hope our interview didn’t turn out like a family from the funny farm …lol

  3. I’m lucky enough to have finally found my birth mum, and in doing so found a new brother and sister, some grandparents, and a long list of aunts and cousins.

    My adoptive sister tried to mess all this up, for reasons unknown. She lied to our “mum”, the woman who brought us up. This caused unneeded upset to my mum. My birth mum was never going to replace my mum. Never.

    But I love them both very much.

    Any mums reading this – don’t ever look at birth mums as a threat. That son or daughter you brought up won’t let that happen. (My adoptive sister being an exception, she also makes malicious phone calls to 15-year-old girls, she’s got serious mental issues).

  4. You have done it again. I am challenged and pressing even harder into the heart of the Lord because of your life and the stories you tell. Continue on in Him because he is creating something beautiful. I know you are human because of the days when you post in your jammies and because your heart breaks just like mine for your children. Love to see you love Him! I also love it when you write about the ways He is revealing Himself to you!!

  5. Sharing the mom title πŸ™‚ .

    As a mom can have enough room in her heart for more than one child, so can a child have enough room in his/her heart for more than one mom.

    One doesn’t replace/shove out the other. They’re both necessary.

    I so agree. Nate’s first mom, though she’s not in our lives physically, is his mother as well.

    (I wish she could be in our lives physically sometime, some way)

    This is a beautiful post.

  6. I am really loving watching the journey you are going on as well. You are an awesome person and this is an amazing post.

  7. Wow what a great opportunity to speak with a birth mom! It is so easy to feel apprehensive about the birth mom’s role, it is cool to think of it in another way. Also the embryo adoption program is amazing our agency does it and we looked into it, I am constantly amazed at how God puts our families together!

  8. thanks for reminding me about this today. it reminded me that i need to be praying for bella’s birthmom/family more than I am. love you guys!

  9. I’m sitting here looking at pictures of Cayden and Deacon on my frig. They are smiling and sooo joyful! Next to their pic. is a picture of Amos. He looks happy, but his eyes are missing the joy that I see in the other two.I am so excited for him to come home and have the joy that will come to him when he experiences “life as an Ivey!” Although I have not ever adopted, I am so thankful for the birthmoms who allow their children a better life.
    I am also so very thankful for adoptive moms. Your love overflows for all to see.

  10. Beautiful post, thank you.
    We have a daughter from China and have thought about adopting a boy from Haiti or Ethiopia.

    Sue

  11. JAMIE!!!!!!!!! I told you to fix the comment! I look like a crazy lady who keeps saying the same thing over and over!! ss

  12. SS – I THOUGHT I DID FIX IT!!!

    :)jamie

  13. Okay, here’s another late comment πŸ™‚

    I just read your previous post about your indecision on whether it’s okay to be upset when people call your birth mom “mom”. And I have to say 10 minutes ago I was of one opinion and now I am of another. Thanks for this moving post. My adoption experience is fresh – our first son is 8 months old. I find myself confused at some feelings but when I think of the intrepid character of our birth mother it always brings me back down to a loving, understanding ground. Our kids are BLESSED with two mothers’ powerful love.

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