Recently while visiting with a new adoptive mom friend I noticed that she always referred to her new baby girl’s birth mom as mom. I kept noticing this and wondered how she did it. How did she say the words that are so hard for me to say?
You see, I always refer to our son’s first mom as either birth mom, first mom or by her name. I found myself asking why is it that it bothers me when someone refers to his birth mom as mom. When someone asks us if we have a relationship with his mom, it bothers me. I know whom they mean and I know what they are asking, but I want to scream YES WE KNOW HIS MOM; I AM HIS MOM. You see they are only wondering if we have an open adoption or closed. They are merely curious and I love curiosity about adoption. I love to talk about adoption and I love to educate and disprove some of the myths people have about adoption. So then why is this so hard for me?
I am a huge birth parent advocate. I believe the most ideal place for a child is with his/her birth family. When that isn’t the best situation, then that is when I think adoption should come in to play. I wish that there were more options available for parents who are struggling to raise their children. I think that a birth parent that changes their mind to parent their baby has every right to do that. They are the parents before anyone else is. I am a huge advocate of open adoptions and feel as though closed adoptions are not beneficial to anyone in the adoption triad.
I love our birth mom. I respect her and cherish her and we do have an open relationship with her. I value her more than she will ever know. She loved our son before we even began loving him. She cared for him before us. She chose to give him life and she chose us to parent him. Her reasons for placing him are her own reasons and not mine to broadcast here. She will always be a part of our lives and we have pictures of her in the boy’s room. We also talk about her and tell Little Boy about her whenever we look at the pictures.
I usually atribute my dislike of this to not wanting to confuse my boys. I never want them to be confused as to who their “real” mom is. Does this make sense, or am I just using them as a crutch to my own fear?
So, am I insecure in the thought of someone referring to her as mom too? Do I fear that I will be valued less if he hast two moms? I don’t know why this is so hard for me. When we first adopted him I would rage (not to the person, but just in my head) if someone said mom instead of birth mom. Now it doesn’t bother me, but I just can’t bring myself to say it. Is that okay?
So, any other adoptive moms out there where do you stand on this? Am I wrong? Am I insecure? Do I need to just get a grip and get over it? I can take it, tell me the truth. Is this dumb? I promise it is really not a big issue, I just need to know if I am alone on this one, or if any of you other moms deal with this.