I’m just tired.

Have you ever just been tired? I am just tired. In fact I just slept for almost an hour on the boys floor while they played around me. You know that kind of sleep – the kind where, yes you are asleep, but no you aren’t. You can sit up at any moment and see why someone is crying or tell someone to stop pushing and then go right back to your “sleep zone”. That was me! I had planned on napping while the kids did, but that might be able to get me through the day!

I think I got even more tired today after looking at the workout schedule I need to be keeping. Here is my deal – I LOVE to workout – BUT I hate to workout. Anyone else feel that way? Yesterday I had about 25 min before I had to be somewhere so I went to the Y and ran 2 miles in about 18 min and felt great. Then this morning Laura and I hit the spin class for 45 min and then did a few arm weights. For some reason I was dead aftewards. Here is the deal though – this Saturday is 12 weeks out from the 1/2 marathon that I really want to do. That means no more playing around – I HAVE to work out and really need to love it too! There is also a 5K in two weeks that I think I can handle. Maybe that will give me the boost of confidence that I need!

I just added up the amount of miles that I have ran in January and it is not good. From Jan 2 to Jan 31, I ran a grand total of 23.8 miles and did spin class two times. This is where I get tired. I just added up how many miles I’m “supposed” to run in the next 12 weeks before the marathon – 200! Did you see that – 200! That is roughly 16 miles a week, which is roughly four times what I ran each week in January. BUT good thing is that it is a progressive training and you don’t run 16 miles the first week. You work up to it!

So I really want to do this, but I am so scared to commit for fear of failure. What if I don’t get in my 16 miles a week, what if my back starts hurting bad again, what if I have a bad week that turns into two bad weeks and I get way off the training schedule. UGH!

Well, speaking of tired …. I am off to take a bath while the kids are napping and read my SHAPE magazine! It says on there that you can have sexy arms in two weeks and loose 8 lbs in one week!

Favorite new snack

Okay guys you are going to want to go to the kitchen right now and make this. I LOVE this new snack that we made yesterday. In fact last night we had this for dinner and today I just modified it a bit for a snack!

We bought some great fresh bread from the store and toasted it in the oven until it was just right. Added a slice of turkey, a slice of tomatoe, some fresh mozarella cheese (the real stuff!), and some basil and WOW is all I can say about that!

Yes, you Oprah fans I got this off her show the other day!!!

Today I had just the tomatoe and cheese part and it was SO good – in fact I just ate a whole tomatoe!!!

This would make a great appetizer for a dinner party, and it displays so well!

YUMMY!

Confessions of a dirty book reader

Okay so did the title real you in? I must confess something – I was reading a book that I should never have read. Notice the WAS. Here is the deal, I had heard about this book and how wonderful it was and decided it would be my first book of 2007. I headed to Target, purchased the book and began reading. I was truly enjoying it and very much intrigued by the story of this man’s life. Basically he grew up in a PSYCHO house and environment. It is a memoir and quite funny and yet oh so weird at the same time. About 50 pages into I read a part in the book that is sexually explicit and don’t enjoy it but convince myself that it is okay because this is his life story and crappy stuff like this does happen to people, and I continue on. I did question whether I should be reading this though and voiced my concerns to Aaron and my mom, but justified it with the fact that it was his story and not made up. So,continue about 20 pages more and there is another scene not quite as bad as the last one, but none the less it is still a scene that I didn’t enjoy. Now I am really questioning my choice of reading material. I am now ashamed to tell people what I am reading and swear I will NEVER recomend this book, but yet I keep on reading. It was as if I wanted so badly to know how the book ended up and what happened to this man that I pushed back my conscience and guilt and kept on moving. I convinced myself that if I could just get to the end it would be better. I would finish the book and never tell anyone I read it but at least I would know how it ended. And besides it is a memoir, not a kinky romance novel! Well, now I’m about 50 more pages into and a scene comes about that I wish I had never read because I can remember it and could almost picture it as I was reading it. It was one of the most graphic sex scenes I could think of and this poor boy is being taken advantage of by an older man. I slammed the book down and haven’t picked it up since and never plan on finishing the book.

As I look back, I am puzzled as to why I allowed myself to get this far into the book. Was the ending so much better than me guarding my mind from these words and images? Did I think that just because this was his story that it was okay for me to put graphic images into my mind?

I have dealt with this on my own and it has been about two weeks now, and I am reading a much better book about being a good parent! I am thankful for the Holy Spirit in my life and oh so thankful that he continued to urge me to quit reading the book- gosh God does know what is best for us! I guess I’m confessing to you now to free myself from the feeling of hiding the fact that I was reading this book.

Remember – if it is your little secret it is probably not good!

BLAH

Ever have one of those blah days where you just kinda “make it” through the day and not real sure if anything is good or bad, but just blah? Well today is that for me. Actually it started about 5 this afternoon. My day before that was great. School was good, PE was good and then SONIC was really good for me on the way home. I think I get this way when I’m about to start my period, which is way too much information for most of you, but heck it’s true. I had cheese sticks from Sonic the other day. I hadn’t had them in about 2 months, and seriously they are a strong hold for me. You think I’m kidding? I am not! They seriously do pull at me from the street. I know, I am psycho but it is true. I ate them every day when I was prego – maybe that is where the FIFTY pounds came from.

So today when the BLAH mood started coming on I thought I would feel better with something from Sonic. So, I went for the chili cheese Frito wrap – OH my gosh – SO GOOD. I topped it off with a banana-strawberry smoothie. In my mind I was evening out the playing field – something SO BAD for you it should be illegal, and something somewhat good for you! You like how this mind works!!

Well the kids were SUPER cranky tonight. Not long naps today for either of them so dinner for them was served about 4:50!!! I wasn’t hungry since the chili-cheese-frito-wrap was just settling into my digestive track!

The kids were in bed and out asleep by 7:12! Yippe for me – I can get so much done – WRONG! The blah mood is even more in effect tonight. The only time I have gotten off the couch since they went to bed was to make me a bowl of soup and a glass of wine. I look around and so much needs to be done, but I have no desire to do it. Does this make me lazy and apathetic or just a tired mommy?

I have so many random thoughts running through my head:

what if someone took my boys? – this has been constant in my mind since the two boys were found in Missouri

do i live a generous life?

how can i make more money?

am i doing all i can to be a good mom?

why don’t we have life insurance?

do i read to my kids enough?

where does elisabeth from the view get her clothes?

how is the lady in Haiti that was burned badly this week feeling?

how do i feel about George W Bush?

why do i feel so removed from politics?

what color should we paint our bathrooms?

what is aaron doing right now?

will i make it through the whole spin class tomorrow?

will jimmie and laura stay together?

maybe maris and i will have a baby at the same time.

where can i donate clothes, toys and books?

what can aaron and i do for a fun day on Monday?

when will jordan and kristen get blessed with a baby?

when will we have another baby, either through adoption or birth?

will i ever meet the livesay family that i love to read about in haiti?

will my desk ever be organized?

can i actually complete a 1/2 marathon?

why don’t i pray more?

why aren’t i more specific in my prayers?

do i give up on tasks to easily?

do i value things or people more?

how can i prove that?

will i ever be good at disciplining my children?

will Deacon ever hate us for adopting him?

how do i reign in Cayden’s strong will?

Why does Tracy make homeschooling look so intriguqing?

When will Rach and Matt know about AW?

How is Mrs. Murbach feeling right now?

Seriously at one time or another today these have all gone through my mind. I feel BLAH and don’t want to get off this couch until I finish THE OFFICE and GREY’S ANATOMY and maybe an OPRAH or two. Is something wrong with me?

BIG TIME BUS

okay so the guys “normal” conversion van is in the shop so they had to rent a BIG TIME BUS – it is so super cool. So Maris and I went through the whole thing inspecting it and wishing we were on this trip in our own little bunk!

Here are the pics:

the view from the front of the bus – a full size fridge – toilet and lots of seating area and big tv!

one of the bunks – 12 bunks in all – 3 rows high!

The back hang out area

view from the back.

well …. two supportive wives!

orphans

Someone shared this with me recently:

143 million orphans in the world
If only 7% of believers adopted one, there would be none

How does this make you feel?

Weekend update

My mom was here for the weekend and it was fabulous. It is always nice to have family in town and I love when mom is here. She is great with the boys and is always the first one up with them – which means we get to sleep until 8 at least!

Cayden had a birthday party yesterday and we had so much fun! There were kids playing everywhere and I think Cayden loved it. They played with trains, colored and decorated cookies! Here are some pictures from the party:

SPUR in the UK

SPUR58 on UK Music Sampler

SPUR58 included on new Music Sampler CD in the UK. Refresh Music Sampler includes 16 tracks from the hottest new and bestselling artists from the USA, and releases to the UK this month. Artists include Building 429, By the Tree, Barlow Girl, Stellar Kart, The Longing, SPUR58 and more.

CLICKHERE TO VIEW SAMPLER

Potty Training accidents

Yesterday we were home all day and decided to not use pull ups and only big boy underwear – well FOUR accidents all day. UGH. I thought he was getting close, but no big deal we’ll just keep going to the potty every hour on the hour!!!

Happy Birthday Cayden!

Fist family picture – wow I look like I just went through labor!!!

I honestly thought that Cayden would NEVER come out of me. I was due January 17th, and my doctor graciously said that he would induce me on Monday, January 19th if he had not arrived. I had tried and tried to talk him into inducing me earlier and he always politely said NO. He claimed it isn’t good to do with the first baby – I told him I would not hold him accountable for breaking any hospital rules. J

On Thursday evening, January 15th, 2004, Aaron and I ordered veggie pizza and did our usual of watching TV and watching my belly go nuts as this “alien” inside me did his gymnastics routine. Later in the evening I started to feel kind of weird and was having what I thought to be contractions but they didn’t hurt like I had thought they would. So, I went to bed and hardly slept at all because I was so anxious as to what might be happening to my body. I should have slept more, but I was thinking at any moment he might pop out of me – ha ha – I found out about 15 hours later that they don’t just “pop” out!

So, in the wee hours of the morning I went potty and realized that something had come out of me (later realized it was my mucus plug) and I wasn’t sure what it was, but knew it wasn’t the alien inside of me. So, back to bed I went, only to get up many more times in the night because my panties kept getting wet; I thought I was peeing on myself all night long. I was also having slight menstrual cramps throughout the night (contractions!).

I called the doc in the morning and replayed the events of the night and he said I should come in and get checked out. We packed a bag, just in case!

At the doctor’s office we met with Dr. Draughn who would later deliver me since Dr. Presley was enjoying himself in Hawaii, and he confirmed that YES I was in labor should head next door to the hospital. OH MY GOSH is what we were thinking!!! So, we got in our car and ran through the drive through at Bank of America to make a deposit – I guess we needed money and had to do it then! The lady at the drive through told Aaron he had to come in because he didn’t have the right form, and he told her he couldn’t because his wife was in labor. HA! I wondered if she had ever heard that excuse before.

When we arrived at the hospital, around noon, they tested the fluid and yes my water had barely broken and I had been leaking amniotic fluid all night long. Since I had been leaking for a while now they started me on pitosin to speed up the labor.

I had told Aaron that I wanted to go “natural” as long as possible and no matter what I said to not let me get the epidural until I absolutely needed it. Looking back I now know that was one of the most stupid decisions I have ever made – if you plan on eventually getting it, then just get it as soon as you can! So the pitossin starts kicking in and I’m hurting. The contractions are getting harder and I decide now is the time for the epidural. I tell Aaron and he says that we should wait. WHAT? NO I want it now. He says that I told him earlier that I wanted to wait as long as possible, no matter what I said in the heat of the pain. WHAT? I want it NOW. So, I got it then!

Much better! The rest of the day was fabulous. We had SO many visitors that hung out the whole day and made all the nurses crazy!

Finally it was time to start pushing. This is the part that no body had prepared me for. It was so hard and so exhausting to push. In the room it was Aaron, Dr. Draughn, two nurses, and me. I pushed for TWO hours with him and during that time my epidural wore off and the pain came rushing back. Finally, the doctor told me he was not coming out and he needed to use the suction on his head – GO FOR IT I said. I didn’t care what he used at this point. So, as I was screaming “it’s burning, get him out” he suctioned him out and finally our son Cayden James Ivey arrived at 9:53 pm, weighing in at 9lbs 11 oz and 21.5 inches long.

When Cayden came out it was one of the best moments of my life. Seeing this baby that we had created join us in this world was an experience like none other. He was beautiful and he was ours. They laid him on my chest and it was as if I had loved him forever. Aaron and I both cried, as we loved on our son for the first time ever.

Look at that BIG boy!

Our first view of our new son!

January 16, 2004 was a marvelous day for us.

Cayden is so sweet and is growing into such a little boy. He amazes me at his compassion for his baby brother and the love that he can so easily give out to Aaron and I. He cracks me up daily with his thoughts and he is always ready to have a good time. I am thankful to be his mommy and pray that God will do amazingly wonderful things in his life, more than I could ever imagine possible.

Cayden, I love you!

My big THREE year old little boy!

Click HERE to see Deacon’s birth story!